Unfortunately I haven’t written about Hanz our ferret in a while; not because I’ve become apathetic on my personal accounts of the dubious adventures of Mopey Ferret and the Malicious Gorilla, but rather because Hanz has simply snapped.
I had just come home from the Safe, thrown my keys onto the counter top (like I always do), and was in the process of grabbing a cup of coconut enriched coffee when I looked up and saw Hanz.
Apparently he had spent the evening drinking again and watching Braveheart over and over, and like all viewers of the movie Braveheart had fallen into a deep semi-drunken coma with his furry little paw still clutching his Bacardi bottle. When he had awoken he had trashed the apartment, ripping out the closet doors revealing Malicious Gorilla’s domain (in which he peered at me around the corner now), dyed his fur with blue food coloring, and fashioned a rudimentary spear out of my Bushido stick that I keep in our office.
From there he had headed out on the balcony of our apartment covered in blue war paint, frantically hopping about the railing screaming in Gaelic, with his crudely made spear threatening the neighbor’s cat.
I had no idea that he was even outside much less making all that racket! I couldn’t hear through the sliding glass, but as soon as I saw him I spit out my coffee, and ran for the sliding glass door. As soon as I opened the door Hanz was on me in flash. He was biting, gnawing, cursing…I couldn’t help but scream! All the while the dumbass cat across the way just stared at me as a rabid ferret hopped up on his own imagination and insanity with way to many scenes of Braveheart in his little fuzzy cranium attacked me! I eventually beat him off of me and trapped him back out on the balcony.
From there he just menacingly staring at me through the glass with his Bushido stick in one clutched paw and his Orange Lantern, lantern in the other.
“Hey, wait a minute that’s my Orange, Lantern, lantern you furry little bastard!”
Today is the big day where I get to pick up Hanz from the Asylum. Hopefully he’s been rehabilitated (we’ll find out I suppose!). I know Malicious Gorilla has been missing his regular beatings and I even have to admit that life isn’t the same without my Mopey Ferret.