Today, I woke up groggy like most mornings, glanced over at my phone, which glimmered with a picture message icon that had been sent from an unknown number. I didn’t think much of it at the time and I ended brewing some coffee, placing my annual Chihuahua racing bet for Cinco de Mayo upon Zoomie Schultz, and then started into some much-needed relaxation by slaying Goombas before I decided to check the message. I couldn’t believe my eyes once I opened the message! I’d describe the horror to you, but you’ll just have to see what I received in order to believe it. Here’s the pic I received this morning on my mobile:
Apparently, Hanz was in trouble and had sent me a last-ditch message pleading for his safety as well as the safety of others. Luckily I know a guy, who knows a guy, who also knows a guy, who was able to help me out. After a lengthy game of phone tag I eventually found out where Hanz and gone and what had happened.
Apparently, he ran off from my parent’s house shortly after a particularly terse argument with my sister Caitlin about how David Duchovny is NOT the greatest actor in the world. This argument occurred yesterday morning, so he had only been on the prowl for a day or so. This argument enraged Hanz and he had promptly ferreted off with his duffel bag and Orange Lantern, Lantern in paw to a supposed friend’s house.
Apparently while in Arkham he met another inmate who was liked-minded and was released just a tad earlier than Mopey. His name is Mr. Peanut and he happens to be a crazed, health nut of a squirrel obsessed with ruing the day.
Mopey thought that he could trust Mr. Peanut because of the experience that they shared, but as soon as Mopey entered the squirrel’s abode he was abducted via drop down cage and quickly shipped off to Mexico for several pounds worth of peanuts and a canister of Whey Protein. Now Mopey is residing in a Mexican prison cell on Cinco de Mayo with other enslaved ferrets that also thought they had made a friend with a macho squirrel named Mr. Peanut.
Normally on Cinco de Mayo Hanz would make his traditional nine layer bean dip, watch and bet on the Chihuahua races at my parent’s house, and get liquored up like he always does. The most trouble he’d ever cause was maybe peeing in a garden or two before collapsing into a pile clutching his empty box of wine and autographed picture of David.
Mopey doesn’t deserve this!
Nevertheless, as I write this post my girlfriend and I are packing. We’re going to Mexico, and we’re rescuing Hanz! And, once we return it will be Mr. Peanut the Squirrel who will rue the day!