Snowpocalypse II: This Time It’s Personal


I fell a little behind (what’s new?) in my writing goals and endeavors.  I live in the heart of the inland Northwest, Spokane, WA to be exact, and we have the weirdest winters.  We live right between the Cascades (no relation to the dishwasher poison) and the Rockies, and then to top it off Spokane is situated in a big valley along a fairly good-sized river.  Perfect conditions for unusual weather happenings!

For example, last winter it hardly snowed.  We had a couple of snowy days in December, but nothing to write to North Carolina about.  The winter before that was Snowpocalypse.  It was a good practice run for Armageddon.  The snow was several feet deep, and trails had to be created and guides had to be sent out to lead people to their destinations.  Residents didn’t build snowmen (and, women) with their kids for winter entertainment they built them to signal the way.  We stationed them throughout the city, so people could find their bearings otherwise people would end up in a berm and Encino Man II would have to be filmed here in the spring.

People would say, whilst being led by their guide, “Oh, there is the overweight snowman with the sailor’s cap and the blue scarf–we must be on Ermina and Indiana Ave.”  Needless to say: it wasn’t good.

Remember in Peter Jackson’s “Return of the King” when the Gondorians light the seven beacons to summon the riders of Rohan and there is that epic scene that pans across the mountain range as the Gondorian military men light each beacon–it was like that, except with snowmen and without all of the CGI.  No joke—look it up.

As for this winter Spokane has had only a hint of snow all season.  It sprinkled Christmas Day for about four-and-a-half seconds and then has proceeded to be ridiculously frigid.  It has been essentially fall, but with a frozen twist and no cherry.  With that being said the forces that deemed my fair city to not be ‘snowy enough’ decided to send a storm our way to make up for our, thus far, shoddy winter.  Local ‘meteorologists’ have been spouting some absurd facts about Martian winds combining with subterranean counter-clockwise jet streams creating a colossal storm, but all-in-all they were right.  The past two days we’ve seen a crazy amount of snow.  Uptown and sidetown are shutdown and unfortunately for that sad parking meter that got taken out by the ambiguous Toyota Tacoma, so is downtown Spokane.

Now, I drive an ’87 Chevy Chevette.  I’ll give you moment to laugh as you put two and two together.

—It sucks.  I’ve got a ten pound car that rests a firm six inches off the ground with a four-speed manual tranny and rear-wheel drive.  It has the stellar beige, ‘I just threw up color,’ on it; it also comes with cheap, metal everything else, so that in a case of an accident everything on it can crunch up into a ball (with you inside it of course) and a motor that would make Al Gore cringe in Kyoto.

So, yesterday I’m be-boppin’ around, like an idiot, running errands while Snowpocalypse II is occurring and, for me, everything is going fine.  I get a little bit stuck while leaving my parking spot downtown, but it only last several seconds with but a small audience (nice people, they were).  I then hit Browne’s Addition.  Browne’s Addition is ancient.  We still have cobblestone roads and manors (most of which chopped into apartments), but along with this awesome atmosphere there is a downside: no parking.  Everyone parks on the street and only a select few buildings actually have garages, or parking lots.

I’m puttin’ along in my angry sounding Chevette and not more than three blocks into the Addition and I’m stuck.  And, not the kind of stuck that you and a buddy can rock her out and everything is ‘A’ ok, but the kind of stuck that requires (apparently) a small news crew, a neighbor, my girlfriend, a couple of snow shovels, and an impromptu stick-shift driving lesson (for said girlfriend).  All of this is, of course, a day after I had abandoned my high-centered vehicle and irritably walked home, but nevertheless the Chevette finally made it back to my apartment as of this morning.

“Wonderful times!” I say.

Nevertheless, I have had little time to write, but I do have things to write about!  So, I suppose my misadventures in the snow did produce something–material.  Hopefully, everyone else’s days are goin’ all right, and here is to a fun story!  Stay thirsty my friends!

This one is just for kicks and giggles, but it was taken in Spokane, WA