Keep Calm and Stroke the Furry Wall


I finally caught “Get Him to the Greek” the other evening (stayed tuned for a review!), and I thought that the scene with Russell Brand having Jonah Hill stroking the furry wall in an effort to keep him calm was absolutely hilarious.  So, when this cropped up on my Facebook wall today I had to repost it here at the Wit!

At the end of “Get Him to the Greek” Russell Brand’s character, Aldous Snow, makes a musical comeback with his hit single, “Furry Walls (Jeffrey).”  Here is the track for your listening pleasure:

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Chubby the Dachshund


I work graveyards, so I usually wrap up my shift in the early morning and I had home in the wee hours…usually when everyone is just beginning to stir.  Nevertheless, at 8am or so, I am very groggy and desperately looking forward to heading home to gulp down a cup of joe or two before hitting the hay.

This is usually how I spend my mornings.

Today’s morning was a little more complicated than that and sleep didn’t occur right away.  First off driving home was a bitch.  Spokane traffic is horrible during the summer.  You could be two blocks away from your house and pass by four traffic crews, twelve drivers who don’t know how to signal, a bicyclist who prefers to weave down the center lane, and somehow, no matter what, you will still end up overshooting your house and ending up on the opposite side of the city.  A five-minute drive almost took me twenty and my ’87 Chevette doesn’t have very many twenties left in her.

It's true.

Needless to say I was in a less than stellar mood by the time I reached home, so when I opened the door to an apartment filled to the brim with purple haze I was quickly delivered to livid.  There, in plain view, was a chubby Dachshund strapped into a baby seat next to a passed out ferret after a late night of smokin’ the ganja, looping “Beat It” on vinyl, and playing Super Mario Bros. on my NES!  Mopey was softly snoring, yet twitching and muttering about Goombas.  I kicked him as I went by and he started to stir some more as I put my coat away.

As soon as Mopey straggled his was out his slumber I asked him to head into the office.  We needed to talk.  The whole time Chubby the Dachshund just laid in his car seat making wheezing noises and occasionally coughing which ultimately knocked over his ‘snorkeling’ gear.

After some ferret harassment, which might border on the illegal Mopey confessed that Chubby used to be a political campaign manager to Anthony Weiner and since the great Weiner debacle Chubby has been out of the job.  Chubby was raised in a single-parent household with thirteen other chubby Dachshunds’ and it has always been his dream to be a politician.  Because of Weiner’s wiener tweets it looks like Chubby’s dream is all but lost, so he called up his old college roommate, Mopey, hitched a ride to Spojakistan, and spent the night wallowing in copious amount of weed, alcohol, Michael Jackson vinyl, and NES classics in order to ‘forget.’

After such a sad tale and with Malicious the Gorilla living with Bradley now I decided to let Chubby stay as long as Mopey cleaned up the house and lit some incense.  As he scurried off to clean and tell a comatose Chubby the good news I plopped down on my bed.

“Damn it Mopey!  Who painted Che Guevara on my ceiling!?”

Liquid Courage Makes Me Right Better


Preface:  In a semi-drunken stupor I decided to plop down and ‘write’.  Now, this can be a very bad combination and one that I have never truly tried before, but the result in my case was a piece that is oddly personal, radically different than my usual style, and very reminiscent of a strung out feline after reading the entirety of Hunter S. Thompson‘s work.  It doesn’t look so hot, he’s deeply philosophical, and your never quite sure where this cat ‘fits’ into it all.

Essentially I wrote a different part of this collection on four separate days, in four separate sittings, with four different brands of liquor.  They all intertwine and one reference usually leads to the other whether it be a pop culture reference or merely a play on words.  Hopefully you’ll enjoy this odd amalgamation of rants as much I did writing them.

Liquid Courage Makes Me Right Better

Suck that reality.  I just surreal lifed your ass, and you didn’t even bat an eye.  Stick that in it your eye like Wesley Snipes after eatin’ a rat burger.  Ever hear of Aldous?  Nah…only Hurley would ever stay fat when Lost.  Apparently he found plenty of burgers on the set till Weezer hit him up for a cover shoot.  Beverly Hills….please…isn’t that where the fuckin’ hillbillies come from, anyhow?  Why’d you want to hit that?  Fake hair, fake tits, fake smile…might as well be Sarah Palin’s hometown.  Fake all over, not worth a dime, and damn sure to either be eaten be a crazed badger contaminated by the oil soaked debt of an Alaskan publicity whore.

Speaking of which where’s that Lohan…trapped in the jaws of another outraged parent?  Cracked and strung out?  Teaching sisters how and what not to be?  What was it Uncle Ben said?  With great power, comes great responsibility.  I’m still confused whether he said that after or before he made his rice bowls, but either way Panda’s up late and he’s got Skinemax.  So sink your teeth into that blood sausage because those fangs ain’t going to retract them fuckin’ selves.  Again, back to tits, may not be fake but they’re still there to tantalize because who else would care besides a True Blood.  Sure beats a Crypt, because that Keeper is an old bastard…and trust me he was dirty.

Not quite as dirty as Pigpen, but damn would he give Charlie a run for his football.  I’d love to fuckin’ Spin this City half past two just to see two men run around lookin’ for the other half.  Speaking of a hard twist I just knocked the “A” outta that Honda bitch and now it’s hung up by a cord.  Still lookin’ better than my Protégé, but that sad bastard got cubed.  Couldn’t afford to raise it the forth, but boy did I try.  Like a bat outta hell I hit that brake like a pair of cubes hittin’ an avenged glass of Bacardi.  Once the sun fell behind those mountains that Friday the liquid courage was repurposed, rebuilt for a proverbial mind fuck.  To forget Sarah Marshall?  Nah, to forget the days’ events.  Who wants to remember, who wants to forget?

Here’s the quick:  those that know nothing…like a group of tea partyers?  To drunk, strung out, and hypocritical to realize that they’re a staggerin’ mob of stupidity all amassed to show the world that Americans are dumbasses.  They’re like a rave gone awry.  A 12-grain not worth the dollar bill used to harvest that crop.  New Zealand is looking more and more promising, but who the fuck wants to voyage to a land filled with Hobbits?  Pete better come out of that Warehouse soon because whose gonna save us now, Sully?  That blue monster sure looks like a certain cookie muncher to me, but who am I to judge?  Oh, wait like most other Americans I’ll take a moment to conserve intelligence and judge that muncher like they do.   Those that enjoy the drapes that match the carpet don’t clean just like a crazed Sheen because truthfully who wants to steam clean that bitch? Certainly not Bert, and certainly not Ernie, because when those two elope all New Yorkers will stand and shout.  That might get the stain out, but Johnson & Johnson might have a Danon Fit.

What’s that old saying?  When life hands you lemons, make lemonade?  Fuck that.  Hand ‘em back ask for limes…better yet squirt that shit in life’s eye, mug ‘em for oranges and make a screwdriver because if you don’t you’re going to get nailed.  Back to the gays…Michael J. Fox better chase that Delorean because once we hit the past we’re going to wish we went Back to the Future.

Ever chase that rabbit down the hole?  I did once and I ended up in snow covered field holding wilted roses asking for a slut that couldn’t give a shit.  Who lusts for a half-way houser?  One who cracks a crooked smile like a vulture defining “muffin top” to an Oxford scholar.  I more respect for a fucking clergymen with paddle. You bet his robes glisten with that off white hue that Ozzies out, “molester!,” because how else could he trick himself into being religious?  Like a doppelganger named Alice looking through the glass just pondering, waiting to mug that one sap that grabs the pamphlet from that tie-wearin’, bicycle ridin’ conversion machine.  Grouped, only to be bussed in n’ out of the residential.  With a chip on their shoulder, and a mission from God they eat up the ignorance like it were salsa.  But, just like a rotten watermelon the salsa’s fake and chunky like the cheese all in a sad, subversive effort to warn the normals that there is something a foot.

Full circle, I wore that white rabbit’s foot like a talisman to ward off evil.  Only Bruce Cambell and Stephen King could write in that chainsaw wieldin’ bastard and make it reach the pop culture warehouse.  Brian better be scribin’ because Peter’s escaped his Warehouse and needs his partner in crime.  Only the Greeks would beat that Griffin till he bleeds.  Fucked and drunk they fondle themselves just reach the present with a legen-wait for it-dary status inscribed upon their medallions and our history books.  Barney would tighten his tie turn around slap the nearest conversion machine, sucker punch the purple creeper who calls himself a dinosaur, and ask Ted to just get married already because his story’s getting’ old…quick.  Bob Sagat better find his career because who’s going to remember a Fullhouse when all of the twin’s poker chips are wrapped up in diet pills and Coke?

Mario’s the only doctor I get my pills from and even his door slide, reads, “plumber.”  No wonder Princess Peach wears that chastity belt…what woman wouldn’t?  He’s a mustachioed plumber with a deep tie to the Catholic church and even his hands are covered in more blood than Bowser’s.  Deep soaked in crimson, he’s pierced the hide of the lizard named Luigi.  Only R.A. Salvatore could write that dragon tale and have it be forgotten in a catalogue of realms.  Once again I’ll strike back like the Empire, and say fuck the hardships, fuck the supposed truths, fuck their way of life.  I’ll fix the corruption, we’ll fix the corruption because I am damn tired of corporations and politicians getting’ their personal fix from my wallet.  They fuckin’ grab for my idea again I’ll let a miscellaneous three letter acronym and their committee sitttin’, foot tappin’ proverts have it like Vader’s wrath on Endor and a force choke to the throat of corruption.  It’s damn hard to spew hate when you can’t breath.

Take a breath, drown in that pool with your sycophantic bitches in tow, because who the hell is going bring that ship back into harbor? To hell with that I say! Purgatory better open their gates because that’s the only group of neutrals that you’ll be able to shift in gear…to twist, to corrupt, into a malleable bastard that knows nothing, but does everything. A back to build a nation upon, a back to break as a greedy, fat cat politician line their clouds and pockets with silver. Better hire a strung out metallurgist because that’s the only way they’ll be able to cook their crack on their silver spoons. Fork it. Spoonin’ is overrated, because sadly enough there’s always a little spoon, and odds are you’ll be it. How’s it feel to be groped and grabbed by a fat fuck filled to his nostrils with caviar? As he cuddles you, robbin’ your pockets while you ‘sleep’ wide eyed and frightened starin’ up at the debt ceiling just hoping it’ll be over soon. Or, give yourself a break and break that fat fuck’s legs. Roll outta that down stuffed bed reach under the frame, grab that four by and end this shit tonight. Screw the second of August, beat that fat fuck to death, roll his fat ass back to China and let them settle their debts with a corpse, and hit the hay; sleep dreamin’ the American dream.

 

Which animal should become anthropomorphized and included as a recurring character in the further adventures of “Mopey the Ferret and Malicious the Gorilla”?


Voting for the poll will end at the end of next week -Saturday to be exact-. So, make sure and vote before then, and then on Sunday, August 7th, I’ll be posting a new Mopey the Ferret, Malicious the Gorilla webtail introducing the new character chosen be you the reader!

My Little Jester


So, today I had to take the day off in order to have my availability fully open to pick up Hanz from the local Renaissance festival in “Browne’s Addition.” He was very adamant about going to said festival and of course Hanz has yet to receive his driver’s license or learner’s permit even though I’ve practically thrown the DOL guide at him for months now. Inevitably I just piss off a ferret who already has anger issues and is the size of a primordial skunk. More often than not I get a pissed soaked, shredded DOL guide discretely hidden amongst my items…usually in my sock drawer or if I particularly make him angry in my lunch bag for work…

Nevertheless, in my slight fear of my ferret I ended up spending my Sunday waiting for a cell phone call with a picture of a ferret in a jester’s cap to pop up on my cell phone screen.

Mopey Ferret Dance in a War Dance

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After many wasted hours with my friend Mr. Mario, a couple of Cajun Top-Ramens, and a pint of my gorilla’s homemade beer from his closet of solitude distillery I ramshackle my way out to my ’93 protegé Johnny and sauntered my ass up to Coeur d’Alene park to pick Hanz from his afternoon of ye old jestering. Before I even reached the fringe of the park I see an angry mob of ye old peasants chasing after a tan ferret clutching his jester hat with a sad but still attached tail tucked between his well toned ferret buttocks. As I coasted by in 2nd, I reached over, popped open the passenger door, and a scared but fully aware ferret clawed his way in, slammed his door, and pulled his lap belt over his jester cod piece and plummage.

I tried asking him what had happen, but all I could gather between his labor breaths were the phrases, “bosomed wench” and “bad idea.”

I’m sure he’ll tell me once I loosen him up with a keg or two of malicious gorilla’s fine home spun brew, but till then only mopey ferret’s fellow renaissance patrons and a letter from the courts will know what happened that fateful Sunday afternoon….